it gets better .... for some

For a while, its been pretty heavy on my heart to blog about my experiences as a gay man.  My experience is not unique - in that I am who I am, but my family does not support my humanity.  My father is seasoned minister of a fundamentalist Christian sect.  My mother goes along with what he says and does.  Of course, she is her own person, and has her own reasons for her belief system, but from my point of view, its seems that she takes a cue from him for spiritual guidance.  I guess one of the reasons I feel the need to raise my voice at this time, is because in the media, and in mainstream America, gay and lesbian people are becoming more accepted and loved.


However, while many are saying "it gets better" to the world, for many of us, it doesn't necessarily get that much better for everyone.  So I feel the need to point out that while mainstream America is moving forward, gay people are still suffering and hurting.  Families are still not accepting, churches are still hating, and pretty much all of the pain comes from religious fanaticism.  As bad as it is to partake in a faith system which ignores scientific truths of creation, many people who ascribe to such faith are hurting too.  They consider it a life or death issue - they see it as an attack on the fundamentals of their faith, not really seeing that those fundamentals have been attacked and changed numerous times in history.


My pain comes from the relationship I have with my parents.  My relationship with them is inauthentic by their obsession.  I want to live in truth and be able to speak truth and live in reality, but they dont want to accept truth or reality.  My parents want to divide my humanity in two pieces, so they can love the part they understand and hate or fear the part they dont understand.  But the problem with that, is that I am not two-halves of a person, I am one whole person.  My sexuality is ingrained in every aspect of who I am.  Because of it, I see and experience the world completely different from how they do.  So as long as they dualize me, they dehumanize me.


When they look at me and speak to me, they are speaking to an idea of me that is not real.  My parent are obsessed with a lie they want so badly to be true.  I dont feel loved.  They say they love me, and I believe that mentally they think they do.  I believe that they sincerely love a false concept of me, but the real me, I do not feel loved.  I feel alone in this world.


I dont even try with my father. Our relationship became tumultuous early in life, before I realized what sexuality was and where I fit into all that.  I believe he loves me, but I also believe that he genuinely hates gay people, individually and as a whole.  So where does that leave me?  Do I get grandfathered in because he didnt know that he was going to have a gay son?  I do think he makes an exception with me, but that exception is so thin that when I suck up oxygen around him, I feel like Im doing so on pins and needles.


My relationship with my Mom is different.  She says she loves me because I came out of her body, she cites a special bond that a mother has with her child - like a wave of energy that connect them when the cord is severed.  I believe her.  I really do.  From an evolutionary standpoint, I believe that my mother loves me as a mother loves her child.  But does she love me as the adult I have become?  Like I said earlier, its so hard to explain, to say I believe her intention to love me, but I dont feel it.  Its like you have to love the wholeness of someones humanity for them to feel it, and I dont feel it.


She has said "I love you, but I hate THAT."  And that pretty much sums it up.  I know some parents dont love their children, and some parents abandon their children.  I am not saying my life is so terrible, but when I look at my straight brother, and there is no biological aspect of him that they hate, there is no essence of his soul and being that they hate - its just not fair. It hurts so much.


Please understand why I am writing this and putting it out there.  I am writing my thoughts and feelings because other people are feeling and experiencing these same struggles.  It does not seem to be getting better for everyone, and those people also deserve a voice.  I do not want anyone who is still working through their metaphysical dilemma to feel that they are the only one.  There are others who are going through the same things and we understand.  I am not throwing myself a pity party, I am not seeking anyone.s sympathy.


Secondly, people in the church need to know what they are doing to gay souls.  Those responsible for the millions of hate crimes against humanity and gay teen suicides all over the world need to know what they are doing.  Just because we are alive does not mean we dont feel pain either.  The "pro-family" folk need to know the lives and families they are destroying.  Everyone deserves to have a relationship with their parents.  The "family-values" crowd seem to toot that every child deserves a loving mother and father on every media circus they join, but what do gay children deserve? Dont we deserve love from our parents too?


The purpose of this blog is to put these things out there and have a conversation.  Gay marriage is not going to solve all the problems - legal equality is a necessary step, but let us not sweep it all under the rug once we achieve this in America solely.  People need an outlet and I hope this blog will help supply that venue.  Times are changing as we enter the Age of Aquarius, there is a spiritual reawakening taking place.  Will the church evaporate or emerge into something different?  Will belief in Jesus subside or will the early church followers be given a new voice to remind us of who he really was?


Will gay people forgive the church?